Month: October 2013

  • Paddy

    The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

    “What happened Paddy ?” she asks anxiously.

    “What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

    I get home… and guess what I found ?

    Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!

    This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
    “Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

    Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
    “Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation …..she never got your E-mail!”

    WAN

  • Too funny !

    The Importance of walking

    Walking can add minutes to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old
    To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
    Home at $4,000 per month.

    My grandpa started walking
    Five miles a day when he was 60.
    Now he’s 97 years old
    And we have no idea where the hell he is. 
    *********************************** 

    I like long walks,
    Especially when they are taken
    By people who annoy me. 

    The only reason I would take up walking
    Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 
    ***************************************************

    I have to walk early in the morning,
    Before my brain figures out what I’m doing… 

    Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
    I wash my mouth out with chocolate. 

    I do have flabby thighs,
    But fortunately my stomach covers them. 
    ******************************************** 

    The advantage of exercising every day
    Is so when you die, they’ll say,
    ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’

    If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
    Start with a small country. 
    **************************************
    Every time I start thinking too much
    About how I look,
    I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
    And by the time I leave,
    I look just fine.


    You could run this over to your friends
    But just e-mail it to them!
    It will save you the walk!

    WAN

  • good ones

    BOOM! BOOM!
    A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me
    and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
    A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
    The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
    He replied, “They had avocados.”
    If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again!
    Men will get it the first time.
    ——————————————————
    Water in the carburettor
    WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor”
    HUSBAND: “Water in the carburettor?  That’s ridiculous “
    WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburettor”
    HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburettor is.
       I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?
    WIFE: “In the pool”
    ===========================================
    THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC
    PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRY SOME IN RECENT YEARS.
    25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
    That’s scary.
    It means 75% are running around untreated.
    —————————————————————————–

    HE MUST PAY

    Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said,
    “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
    Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming
    to live with you.”
    -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


    Today’s Short Reading from the Bible

    From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient
    wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”
    Then He made the earth round…and He laughed and laughed
    and laughed!….

    WAN

  • Hot and cold

    Hot & Cold you just can’t rush these things
    After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: “You appear to be in good health..
    Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
    “In fact, I do.” said the old man.
    “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually cold and chilly; and then,
    after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually hot and sweaty.”
    When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, “Everything appears to be fine..
    Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
    The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
    The doctor then said to her: “Your husband mentioned an unusual problem..
    He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;
    and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?”
    “Oh, that crazy old bugger” she replied, “That’s because the first time is usually in January,
    and the second time is in August.”

    WAN

  • Harry the Eagle

    WELL, ONE DAY HARRY THE EAGLE WAITED AT THE NEST FOR MARY, HIS DARLING OF 10 GLORIOUS YEARS.

    AFTER A WHILE WHEN SHE DIDN’T RETURN HE WENT LOOKING AND FOUND HER. SHE HAD BEEN SHOT DEAD!

    HARRY WAS DEVASTATED, BUT AFTER ABOUT SIX MINUTES OF MOURNING HE DECIDED THAT HE MUST GET HIMSELF ANOTHER MATE, BUT SINCE THERE WEREN’T ANY LADY EAGLES AVAILABLE HE’D HAVE TO CROSS THE FEATHER BARRIER.

    SO HE FLEW OFF TO FIND A NEW MATE. HE FOUND A LOVELY DOVE AND BROUGHT HER BACK TO THE NEST.

    THE SEX WAS GOOD BUT ALL THE DOVE WOULD SAY IS ………. ‘I AM A DOVE, I WANT TO LOVE! I AM A DOVE, I WANT TO LOVE!’

    WELL THIS SO GOT ON HARRY’S NERVES SO HE KICKED THE DOVE OUT OF THE NEST AND FLEW OFF ONCE MORE TO FIND A NEW MATE.

    HE SOON FOUND A VERY SEXY LOON AND BROUGHT HER BACK TO THE NEST. AGAIN THE SEX WAS GOOD BUT ALL THE LOON WOULD SAY IS…….. ‘I AM A LOON, I WANT TO SPOON! I AM A LOON, I WANT TO SPOON!’ SO….. OUT WITH THE LOON.

    ONCE MORE HE FLEW OFF TO FIND A MATE. THIS TIME HE FOUND A GORGEOUS DUCK AND HE BROUGHT THE DUCK BACK TO THE NEST. THIS TIME THE SEX WAS GREAT, BUT ALL THE DUCK WOULD SAY WAS…..

    NO!! THE DUCK DIDN’T SAY THAT!

    DON’T BE SO DISGUSTING!

    THE DUCK SAID….

    “I AM A DRAKE, YOU MADE A MISTAKE!!”

    WAN

  • My Accident

    My Accident
      
    I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU,
     Tubes entering different parts of my body,
     Wires monitoring every function,
      
    A gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
      
    It was obvious I’d been in a serious accident.

    I heard her say, ‘You may-not feel anything from the waist down.’

    I managed to mumble in reply, ‘Can I feel your tits, then?’

    WAN

  • American Medical Association has weighed in on ObamaCare

    Whether you are for or against Obama Care, whatever your party, the following is well done and funny:  The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama administration’s new health care package.

    Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted.

    Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!” Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter”. Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was sheer madness, while Radiologists felt they could see right through it.

    Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the initiative was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

    In the end, Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ass holes in Washington.

    WAN

  • 9 things that will disappear in your lifetime

    Nine Things That Will Disappear in Our/Your Lifetime

     

    Whether these changes are good or bad depends in part on how we adapt to them.

    But, ready or not, here they come…..

    1. The Post Office

    Get ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills.

    2. The Check

    Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with checks by 2018. It costs the financial system billions ofdollars a year to process checks. Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the check. This plays right into the death of the post office. If you never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of business.

    3. The Newspaper

    The younger generation simply doesn’t read the newspaper. They certainly don’t subscribe to a daily delivered print edition. That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man. As for reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it. The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance. They have met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription services.

    4. The Book

    You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages. I said the same thing about downloading music from iTunes. I wanted my hard copy CD. But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the latest music. The same thing will happen with books. You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real book. And think of the convenience! Once you start flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story, can’t wait to see what happens next, and you forget that you’re holding a gadget instead of a book.

    5. The Land Line Telephone

    Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don’t need it anymore. Most people keep it simply because they’ve always had it. But you are paying double charges for that extra service. All the cell phone companies will let you call customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your minutes.

    6. Music

    This is one of the saddest parts of the change story. The music industry is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal downloading. It’s the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it. Greed and corruption is the problem. The record labels and the radio conglomerates are simply self-destructing. Over 40% of the music purchased today is “catalogue items,” meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with. Older established artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit. To explore this fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out the book, “Appetite for Self-Destruction” by Steve Knopper, and the video documentary, “Before the Music Dies.”

    7. Television

    Revenues to the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the economy. People are watching TV and movies streamed from their computers. And they’re playing games and doing lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. Prime time shows have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator. Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30 seconds. I say good riddance to most of it. It’s time for the cable companies to be put out of our misery. Let the people choose what they want to watch online and through Netflix.

    8. The “Things” That You Own

    Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future. They may simply reside in “the cloud.” Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents. Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be. But all of that is changing. Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest “cloud services.” That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system. So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet. If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud. If you save something, it will be saved to the cloud. And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider. In this virtual world, you can access your music or your books, or your whatever from any laptop or handheld device. That’s the good news. But, will you actually own any of this “stuff” or will it all be able to disappear at any moment in a big “Poof?” Will most of the things in our lives be disposable and whimsical? It makes you want to run to the closet and pull out that photo album, grab a book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the insert.

    9. Privacy

    If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy. That’s gone. It’s been gone for a long time anyway. There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone. But you can be sure that 24/7, “They” know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street View. If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits. “They” will try to get you to buy something else. Again and again.

    All we will have left that can’t be changed are “Memories”…..

    And then probably Alzheimer’s will take that away from you too.

    WAN

  • The One Phone Call Allowed

    BLONDE PHONE CALL TO MOM….

    “Hi, Mom, it’s me….”
    “Hi, Sally, are you okay?”
    “I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store looking for a drill….”
    “Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they’ve let me make one phone call, and that’s why I’m calling you….”
    “Oh, my God! What happened?”
    “Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face.”
    “What on earth….Why did you do that…?”
    “Well, it really wasn’t my fault.”
    “Dad told me to find a Black
    and Decker….
    Mom, I knocked the shit out of her…!”
    WAN