Day: December 23, 2013

  • Pope’s Crossword

    A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

    “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman.  “Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

     

    Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.  Shortly after take-off

    the Pope begins a crossword puzzle.  Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman

    and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”

     

    Only one word leaps to mind.  “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that.

    There must be another word.”

     

    The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him.  Turning to the Pope, the gentleman

    says, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”

      

    “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

    WAN

  • Merry Christmas

    20131224_Merry Christmas_001
    IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN
    20131224_Merry Christmas_002
    Who’s jolly and cute,
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    Wearing a beard and a
    red flannel suit,
    20131224_Merry Christmas_004
    And if he is chuckling and
    laughing away,
    20131224_Merry Christmas_005
    While flying around in a
    miniature sleigh,
    With eight tiny reindeer
    to pull him along,
    20131224_Merry Christmas_006
    Then let’s face it …
    20131224_Merry Christmas_007
    You’re Pissed!
    20131224_Merry Christmas_008
    Merry Christmas and a
    Happy 2014 !

     

     

     

     

     

    A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”

    The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

  • The Twelve Days of Christmas

    The Real 12 Days of Christmas


    Dearest John:

    I went to the door today and the postman delivered 
    a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly 
    delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.

    With deepest love and devotion,

    Agnes
    —————–

    Dearest John:

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. 
    Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at 
    your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

    All my love,

    Agnes
    —————–

    Dearest John:

    Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I really must 
    protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French 
    hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve 
    been too kind.

    Love, Agnes
    —————–

    Dear John,

    Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. 
    Now really, they are beautiful but don’t you think 
    enough is enough. You’re being too romantic.

    Affectionately,

    Agnes
    —————–

    Dearest John:

    What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden 
    rings; one for every finger. You’re just impossible, 
    but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were 
    beginning to get on my nerves.

    All my love,

    Anges
    —————–

    Dear John:

    When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese 
    a-laying on my front steps. So, you’re back to the 
    birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will 
    I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and 
    I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.

    Cordially,

    Agnes
    —————–

    John:

    What’s with you and those foocking birds? 7 swans 
    a-swimming. What kind of damned joke is this? 
    There’s bird poop all over the house, and they never 
    stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m 
    a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop with 
    foocking birds.

    Sincerely,

    Agnes
    —————–

    O.K. Buster:

    I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going 
    to do with 8 maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all 
    those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring 
    their damned cows. There is poop all over the lawn 
    and I can’t move in my own house.

    Just lay off me, smart ass.

    Agnes
    —————–

    Hey! poophead,

    What are you? Some kind of sadist? 
    Now there’s 9 pipers playing. And Crikey do they play. 
    They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they 
    got here yesterday morning. 
    They cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping 
    all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? 
    The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

    You’ll get yours,

    Agnes
    —————–

    You Rotten Prick,

    Now there’s 10 ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call 
    those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers 
    all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve 
    got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. 
    The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to 
    give cause why this building shouldn’t be condemned. 
    I’m calling the police on you.

    One who means it.
    —————–


    Listen! D*ckhead,

    What’s with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids 
    and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk 
    again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have 
    been committing sodomy with the cows. 
    All 23 of the birds are dead. 
    They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. 
    I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

    Your sworn enemy,

    Agnes
    —————–


    Dear Sir:

    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers 
    fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our 
    client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. 
    The destruction, of course, was total. 
    All correspondence should come to our attention. 

    If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at 
    Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions 
    to shoot you on sight. 

    With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest.

    Cordially,

    Badger, Bender and Cahole 

    ===============

    WAN

  • Only in Australia will you see this…..

    Only in Australia will you see this

    20131223_Only in Australia will you see this_001

    Road Trains

    This is a recent email sent regarding the cattle trains at Helen Springs Station.

    There are interesting statistics.

    There are 17 trucks with 3 trailers and 2 decks per trailer;

    Therefore there are 102 decks of cattle and there would be approximately

    28 cattle per deck; This totals 2,856 head of cattle

    The cattle will weigh approximately 500kg each

    The sale price for cattle at Longreach is approx. 165c/kg

    Each animal will therefore be sold at $825.

    Total revenue from this analysis is $2,356,200

    Another interesting fact:

    Each trailer has 24 tyres plus a dolly with 8 tyres

    The truck plus lead trailer have 12 tyres plus a dolly with 8 tyres and 10 tyres on the truck

    For the 72 truck/trailer combos there are 6,192 tyres on the road

    Road trains loading cattle at Helen Springs Station, north of Tennant Creek NT.20131223_Only in Australia will you see this_002

    20131223_Only in Australia will you see this_003 Now that’s a Road Train!! 20131223_Only in Australia will you see this_004

     

     

     

     

  • Dogs attacks Croc!

    Dog Pack attacks Crocodile in Darwin
    At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

    The crocodile, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the “apex predator”, can still fall victim to implemented ‘team work’ strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and “survival of the pack mentality” bred into the canines.

    See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine.

    Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the croc preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly.

    Not for the squeamish 

    20131223_Dogs attacks Croc

  • Guys at the Barber Shop

    This pretty well sums it all up!

     

     

     

    The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

     

    I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

     

    I’m old, tired and pee a lot

    WAN 

  • Scotch with 2 Drops of Water?

    TO SHARE WITH OLD FOLKS YOU MAY KNOW …..
    20131223_Scotch with 2 Drops of Water_001
    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
    And orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
    As the bartender gives her the drink she says
    ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate
    My 80th birthday and it’s today.’
    The bartender says
    ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.
    In fact, this one is on me.’
    As the woman finishes her drink
    The woman to her right says
    ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’
    The old woman says
    ‘Thank you.
    Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’
    ‘Coming up’ says the bartender
    As she finishes that drink,
    The man to her left says
    ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’
    The old woman says
    ‘Thank you.
    Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’
    ‘Coming right up’ the bartender says.
    As he gives her the drink,he says
    ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.
    Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’
    The old woman replies
    ‘Sonny, when you’re my age,
    You’ve learned how to hold your liquor…
    Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’
    20131223_Scotch with 2 Drops of Water_002
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
    Your sweetie says
    ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love’
    And you answer:
    ‘Pick one, I can’t do both!’
    20131223_Scotch with 2 Drops of Water_003
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    Your friends compliment you
    On your new alligator shoes
    And you’re barefoot!
    20131223_Scotch with 2 Drops of Water_004
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy …
    And your pacemaker opens the garage door!
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
    You don’t care where your spouse goes
    … Just as long as you don’t have to go along.
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    You are cautioned to slow down
    By the doctor instead of by the police
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN..
    ‘Getting a little action’
    Means you don’t need to take any fibre today
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    ‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car
    … In the parking lot.
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up
    To use the bathroom.
    AND
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…..
    You are not sure these are jokes!
    Have a good day!
    “Young at heart”
    (slightly older in other places!)