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Ethel and Mabel

- 22 May 2013, 07:05

Two elderly  women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she  said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in  your left ear?’ Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in  my ear?’   She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she  said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I  know where to find my hearing  aid.’

When the  husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice  in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of  the family phoned and complained bitterly, ‘You know  very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.’  Replied the widow, ‘I nursed him night and day so of  course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it  would be better for posterity to remember him as a great  lover rather than the big shit he always  was.’

An elderly  couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They  were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,  when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.  They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the  captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise  that he would notify him as soon as they found  something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man  got a fax from the boat. It read: ‘Sir, sorry to inform  you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.  We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt  was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000.  Please advise.’ The old man faxed back: ‘Send me the  pearl and re-bait the  trap.’
A funeral  service is being held for a woman who has just passed  away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are  carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into  a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan.  They open the casket and find that the woman is actually  alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies..  Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it,  the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As  they carry the casket towards the door, the husband  cries out, ‘Watch that  wall!’

When I  went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a  park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him  what was wrong. He said, ‘I have a beautiful 22 year old  wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and  then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit  and freshly ground coffee.’
I said, ‘Well, then why  are you crying?’ He said, ‘She makes me homemade soup  for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love  to me for half the afternoon.
I said, ‘Well, why are  you crying?’ He said, ‘For dinner she makes me a gourmet  meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes  love to me until 2:00 a..m.’ I said, ‘Well, why in the  world would you be crying?’ He said, ‘I can’t remember  where I  live!’

Two  elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.. Over  the years they had shared all kinds of activities and  adventures.. Lately, their activities had been limited  to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One  day they were playing cards when one looked at the other  and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been  friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of  your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t  remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’ Her  friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she  just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said,  ‘How soon do you need to  know?’

Grant me the  senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and  the eyesight to tell the  difference.

Now,  I think you’re supposed to send this
to 5 or 6,  maybe 10.
Oh well, send it to a bunch of your  friends if you can remember who they are. Then  something is supposed to happen . . . I  think


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