The phone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
“I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?”
Woman replies, “Yes, he’s watching TV –
whom shall I say is calling?”
Category: Wan’s Humour
General Audience Humour
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Baby Bottles and Condoms
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory
that produces various latex products.At the first stop, he’s shown the machine that
manufactures baby-bottle nipples.
The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.“The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,”
explains the guide.
“The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end
of the nipple.”Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory
where condoms are manufactured.The machine makes a noise:
‘Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!”“Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour.
“I understand what the ‘hiss, hiss,’ is, but what’s
that ‘pop!’ every so often?”“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle
nipple machine,” says the guide.“It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”
“Well, that can’t be good for the condoms!”
“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!”
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IRISH HUMOR
The ErrandMcQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.“S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “what was that all about?”“Nothin’ , said the Irishman, “me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”*********************************************** The Lost LuggageAn Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.“No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”“How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman..*********************************************** Water to wineAn Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”“Just water,” says the priest.The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”*********************************************** The BrothelTwo Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,“Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,“Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling’ victim to temptation.”Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be quite ill.”*********************************************** Lost at SeaTwo Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,were adrift in a lifeboat following adramatic escape from a burning freighter.While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,“Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.Simultaneously, the genie vanished.Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:“Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat!*********************************************** The FallMurphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet runningdown his leg. “Please Lord,” he implored, “let it be blood!!” -
Swedish Magic Trick
A Swede and a German entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the German stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the German said to the Swede,“Man I’m the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can’t beat that.”The Swede replied:
“You want to see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”
So they went to the counter and the Swede said to the shopkeeper, “Do you want to see magic?”
The shopkeeper replied, “Yes.”
The Swede said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”
The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.
The Swede asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.
He asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shopkeeper asked: “But where’s the magic?”
The Swede replied: “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find all three bars of chocolate.”
You just can’t beat a Swede!
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The Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are
sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.“Back in me pub in Glasgow,” brags the Scotsman,
“fer every four pints of stout I order,
they give me one fer free!”“In me pub in London,” says the Englishman,
“I pay fer two pint’s o’ Guiness and they give
me a third one free!”“That’s nuthin’” says the Irishman,
“Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar,
they give the first pint fer free, the second pint
fer free, the third pint fer free — and then they
take you upstairs and you have s*x for FREE!”“Is that true?” asks the Scotsman.
“Has that really happened to you?”“Well, no,” says the Irishman,
“but it happens to me sister all the time!” -
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and await death when all of a sudden Luis says………
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon.”
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, wees saved! Ees a bacon tree!”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath….
“Pepe… Go back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo… what ees it? ”
“Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees….
Ees…..
Ees….
Ees….Ees…
Ees….
Ees….. a ham bush….”
SORRY. I know there’s something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldn’t help it! Little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent too, didn’t you – I know you did! You are grinning…..aren’t you!
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An irish daughter
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return her father cussed her.
“Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff.. Dad..I became a prostitute…”
Ye what!!?
Out of here, ye shameless harlot!
Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”“OK, Dad – – as ye wish.
I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate, for me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye Daddy, this sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club…….
(takes a breath)…….
and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and…..”“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.
Girl, crying again,
“Sniff, sniff… a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.”“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug. -
Heavens Clocks
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when
she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on
the wall.
Each clock displayed a different time of day.When she asked St. Peter about the clocks,
he replied,
“We have a clock for each person on earth and every
time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks
off one second each time a lie is told.”Special attention was given to two clocks.
The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice.
He only told two lies in his life.Hillary asked “Where is Bill’s clock?”
St. Peter replied,
“Jesus has it in his office… he’s using it as a ceiling fan!”
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PHONE REPAIR & Urine?
Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house.The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed bypissing and moaning. Thought you’d like to know.
