Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • Bike

    A Priest was about to    finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission the jungle where he has    spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never    taught them was how to speak English.
      
    So he takes the chief    for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, ‘This is    a tree.’
    The chief looks at the    tree and grunts, ‘Tree.’
    The Priest is pleased    with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and    says, ‘This is a rock.’
    Hearing this, the    chief looks and grunts, ‘Rock.’
    The Priest was really    getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.    As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy    sexual activity.
    The Priest is really    flustered and quickly responds, ‘Man riding a bike.’
    The chief looks at the    couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
    The Priest goes    ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe    how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these    people in cold blood that way?
    The chief replied, ‘My    bike.’
    Enjoy your day and    remember to keep off the roads when riding someone else’s    bicycle

    WAN

  • Sometimes

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    S O M E T I M E S

    Sometimes….when you cry….
    no one sees your tears.

    Sometimes….when you are in pain….
    no one sees your hurt.

    Sometimes….when you are worried….
    no one sees your stress.

    Sometimes….when you are happy….
    no one sees your smile.

    –

    –

    –

    But FART !! just ONE friggin’ time…..
    And everybody notices!!

    And You thought this was going to be one of those
    heart-touching stories!

    20140103_Sometimes_002

     

    Send this on to your friends if they

    need a Laugh

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  • God said to Adam

    God  said,
    “Adam, I want you to do something for Me.”
    Adam  said,
    “Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?”

    God  said,
    “Go down into that valley.”
    Adam  said,
    “What’s a valley?”
    God  explained it to him.  
    Then  God said,
    “Cross the river.”
    Adam  said,
    “What’s a river?”  
    God  explained that
    to him, and then said,
    “Go over to the  hill….”  
    Adam  said,
    “What is a hill?”
    So,  God explained to Adam what a hill was.
    He told Adam,
    “On the other side  of the hill you will find a cave.”
    Adam  said,
    “What’s a cave?”
    After  God explained,
    He said, “In the cave you will find a woman.”
    Adam  said,
    “What’s a woman?”  
    So  God explained
    that to him, too.
    Then, God said,
    “I want you to
    reproduce.”
    Adam  said,
    “How do I do that?”
    God  first said (under his breath), “Geez…..”  
    And  then,
    just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as  well.  
    So,  Adam goes down into the valley,
    across the river, and
    over the hill,  into the cave, and finds the woman.
    Then, in
    about five minutes, he  was back.
    God,  his patience
    wearing thin,
    said angrily,
    “What is it  now?”  
    And  Adam said….  
    *  
    *  

    (YOU’RE  GOING TO
    LOVE THIS !!!!!!)
    *
    *
    *
    “What’s a migrane?”
    WAN

  • Pictures you may have left at Walmart

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  • Dating in 1960s

    DATING IN THE 60’s. Remember those days ?

    It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963, and James had a date with Annabella.

    He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

    ‘Oh, come on in!’ Annabella’s mother said as she welcomed

    James.

     

    ‘Have a seat in the sitting room.. Would you like

    something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?’

    ‘Tea, please,’ James said. Mum brought the tea.

     

    ‘So, what are you and Annabella

    planning to do tonight?’ she asked interestedly.

    ‘Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.’

    ‘Annabella likes to screw, you know,’ Mum informed him.

    ‘Really?’ James gasped, surprised to say the least.

    ‘Oh yes,’ mother continued, ‘When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!’

    ‘Is that so?’ asked James, incredulously.

    ‘ Oh yes,’ she said. ‘As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!’

     

    ‘Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!’ James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

    A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped
    skirt  and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.  She greeted James.

     

    ‘Have fun, kids!’ mother said as they left.

     

    Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

     ‘The Twist, Mum!’ she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.

    ‘The bloody dance is called the …………Twist!’

    WAN

  • Leviticus 20:13

    *MARRIAGE AND MARIJUANA !!!For those who haven’t heard, CALIFORNIA just
    passed both laws – Allowing Gay marriage and legalizing use of marijuana.
    The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day
    Makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, “If a man lies
    with another man they should be stoned.” I obviously just hadn’t
    interpreted it correctly before…*

    WAN

  • Merry Christmas

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    IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN
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    Who’s jolly and cute,
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    Wearing a beard and a
    red flannel suit,
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    And if he is chuckling and
    laughing away,
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    While flying around in a
    miniature sleigh,
    With eight tiny reindeer
    to pull him along,
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    Then let’s face it …
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    You’re Pissed!
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    Merry Christmas and a
    Happy 2014 !

     

     

     

     

     

    A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”

    The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

  • Scotch with 2 Drops of Water?

    TO SHARE WITH OLD FOLKS YOU MAY KNOW …..
    20131223_Scotch with 2 Drops of Water_001
    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
    And orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
    As the bartender gives her the drink she says
    ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate
    My 80th birthday and it’s today.’
    The bartender says
    ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.
    In fact, this one is on me.’
    As the woman finishes her drink
    The woman to her right says
    ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’
    The old woman says
    ‘Thank you.
    Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’
    ‘Coming up’ says the bartender
    As she finishes that drink,
    The man to her left says
    ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’
    The old woman says
    ‘Thank you.
    Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’
    ‘Coming right up’ the bartender says.
    As he gives her the drink,he says
    ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.
    Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’
    The old woman replies
    ‘Sonny, when you’re my age,
    You’ve learned how to hold your liquor…
    Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’
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    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
    Your sweetie says
    ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love’
    And you answer:
    ‘Pick one, I can’t do both!’
    20131223_Scotch with 2 Drops of Water_003
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    Your friends compliment you
    On your new alligator shoes
    And you’re barefoot!
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    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy …
    And your pacemaker opens the garage door!
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
    You don’t care where your spouse goes
    … Just as long as you don’t have to go along.
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    You are cautioned to slow down
    By the doctor instead of by the police
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN..
    ‘Getting a little action’
    Means you don’t need to take any fibre today
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    ‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car
    … In the parking lot.
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
    An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up
    To use the bathroom.
    AND
    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN…..
    You are not sure these are jokes!
    Have a good day!
    “Young at heart”
    (slightly older in other places!)

  • Xmas Shopping

    A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
    Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
    She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
    The husband in a calm voice replied: “Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you…?”
    His wife’s eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:”Yes, I remember that jewellery shop…”
    “Well,” he said, “I’m in the bar next to it!”

    WAN

  • 1st grade Proverbs

    A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
    2.
    Strike while the
    bug is close.
    3.
    It’s always darkest before
    Daylight Saving Time..
    4.
    Never underestimate the power of
    termites.
    5.
    You can lead a horse to water but
    how?
    6.
    Don’t bite the hand that
    looks dirty.
    7.
    No news is
    impossible.
    8.
    A miss is as good as a
    Mr.
    9.
    You can’t teach an old dog new
    math.
    10.
    If you lie down with dogs, you’ll
    stink in the morning.
    11.
    Love all, trust
    me.
    12.
    The pen is mightier than the
    pigs.
    13.
    An idle mind is
    the best way to relax.
    14.
    Where there’s smoke there’s
    pollution.
    15.
    Happy the bride who
    gets all the presents.
    16.
    A penny saved is
    not much.
    17.
    Two’s company, three’s
    the Musketeers.
    18.
    Don’t put off till tomorrow what
    you put on to go to bed.
    19.
    Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
    you have to blow your nose.
    20.
    There are none so blind as
    Stevie Wonder.
    21.
    Children should be seen and not
    spanked or grounded.
    22.
    If at first you don’t succeed
    get new batteries.
    23.
    You get out of something only what you
    see in the picture on the box.
    24.
    When the blind lead the blind
    get out of the way.
    25.
    A bird in the hand
    is going to poop on you.
    And the WINNER and last one!
    26.
    Better late than
    pregnant.
    WAN