Category: Wan’s Humour
General Audience Humour
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Dear Santa
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X – Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
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Dear Timmy,Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spendplaying video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*Merry Christmas,*
Santa Claus**** *
Mr. Claus,Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?Respectfully,
Tim Jones* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well thatis your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.Very Truly Yours,
S Claus* *
Now look here Fat Man,I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T – Bone
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Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G – banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.S Clizzy
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Dear Santa,Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
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Onions and Christmas Trees
You gotta love this!!!Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs arethere?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman’sare like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging abit. After50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of “willies” are there?”The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20’s,his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible butreliable. Afterhis 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas Tree?””Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration.” -
Now this is funny!
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued. -
2011 ‘Sheila’s Wheels’ Woman Driver Awards
2011‘Sheila’s Wheels’ Woman Driver Awards:
10th Place
Goes to:
9th Place Goes
To:
8th Place Goes
To:
7th Place Goes
To:
6th Place Goes
To:
5th Place Goes
To:
4th Place Goes
To:
The Bronze
Medal Winner:
The Silver
Medal Winner:
.. and
finally, here is our 2011 Women Drivers Awards
*** Gold
Medal Winner ***
WOW ! ! How the…?!?
Oh never mind… CONGRATULATIONS ! !
This concludes the 2011 Sheila’s Wheels Women Drivers Awards Ceremony.
Thanks to all our contestants for giving us all a reason to laugh & smile
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The Worst Age To Be
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there nothing comes out.”
“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year -old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing, too?” asked the 60-year old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“So, do you have a problem with your bowelmovement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, “You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
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THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for several years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her “Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us ? not even a line.
Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”.The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff….”Dad. …
I became a prostitute…”“Ye what!!?
Out of here, ye shameless harlot!
Sinner!
You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are.”“OK, Daddy– as ye wish.
I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat and title deed to a ten room mansion …For me little brother Seamus this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club
……… ……………… (takes a breath)….. …….. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my yacht in the Caribbean and… .”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff….
“A prostitute Daddy!” Sniff, sniff.“Oh! Be Jesus!
Ye scared me half to death girl!
I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.
Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug.” -
A Fairy Tale
Once upon a time there’s this yellow toad wandering around in the forest ticked off because he doesn’t want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads. He’d sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway, this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.“Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads, ” he begs her. “I’m ticked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?”
“Okay” says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: “Abracapokus! You’re brown!”The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except, for his weenie, which was still yellow.
“Hang on lady,” he says to the fairy godmother, “My pecker’s stillyellow!”“Yeah, well I don’t do weenies,” she says, “You’ll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that.”
So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it’s a coincidence, but it’s true, trust me).
“Fairy Godmother! You’re just the person I need!” says the purple bear, “I can’t pull any bearesses ‘coss they don’t want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off.”
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. “Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here” she says. and with that, she yells: “Pokuscadabra! You’re brown!”The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.
“Hold up sweetheart!”, he says to the fairy Godmother, “My gooliesare still purple!”“Yeah, well I don’t do those goolie things,” she replies, “You’ll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that.”
“Well that’s just dandy,” the bear replies, “How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?”“Easy,” says the fairy godmother as she flew off, “Just follow the yellow-prick toad!” J -
Another Ole!
A doctor in WI wanted to get off work and go hunting so he told his assistant, “Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of the patients.”“Ya,, for sure.” answers Ole.The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks;, “Ole, how was your day?”Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients. The first one had a headache so he gave him a Tylenol. The second one had stomach burning so he gave him Maalax. The doctor was very impressed. “Bravo, Ole. you’re good at this. What did you do about the third one?”“Vel, Dr.. I vas sittin here und suddenly da door opens and a voman enters like a flame! She undresses herself, taking off her bra and panties and lies down on da table and shouts; Help me! For 5 years i have not seen any men!”“And what did you do, Ole?” asks the doctor.“I put eye drops in her eyes!” Ole answers. -
ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA?
Sent this to all even if your young enjoyARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING?? ONERecently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true…)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
And she said they didn’t have any, only Splenda and sugar.)TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they
Keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
( But the lady behind me had a big smerk on her face as I left)
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’
(Keep shuddering!!)FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked. She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) wouldhave a battery to fit this?’
‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.
‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered,
Handing it and the car keys to me. As I
Took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
Replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and
Check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’
Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency right now!’
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too.
Don’t laugh….it is all true…Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night