Category: Wan’s Humour

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Pakistan.

Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million Pakistanis as replacements…

*God Bless British generosity.*

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

 

God went to the Arabs and said,

‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’

The Arabs asked, ‘What are Commandments?’

And the Lord said, ‘They are rules for living.’

‘Can you give us an example?’

‘Thou shall not kill.’

‘Not kill? We’re not interested..’

So He went to the Blacks and said, ‘I have Commandments.’

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,  ‘Honour thy Father and Mother.’

‘Father? We don’t know who our fathers are.

We’re not interested.’

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,

‘I have commandments.’
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said ‘Thou shall not steal.’

‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’

Then He went to the French and said,  ‘I have Commandments.’

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery.’

‘Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, ‘I have Commandments..’

‘Commandments?’ They said, ‘How much are they?’

‘They’re free.’

‘We’ll take 10.’

There, that should offend just about everybody.

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!” 

His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly, “It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’” 

 

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

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“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, its morning.”

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new gym – fellowship hall building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… “

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. 

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

 

When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache….. When you open it, he collapses….. When he sees you reading it, he faints….. When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees….. And when you are about to forward this message… He will try and discourage you. I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton’s private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

 

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. “Just think,’ he said, ‘when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.

But I wouldn’t have something so self-indulgent!”

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom,

Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

 

 

“I found out who pee-ed in your saxophone.”

 

[kc_font_pac_2_font_15 size=”48″ color=”#cc9933″]I just had a call from a Charity[/kc_font_pac_2_font_15]

[kc_font_pac_2_font_15 size=”48″ color=”#996633″]asking me to donate some of my clothes[/kc_font_pac_2_font_15]

[kc_font_pac_2_font_15 size=”48″ color=”#ff9933″] to the starving people throughout the world. [/kc_font_pac_2_font_15]

 

[kc_font_pac_2_font_15 size=”48″ color=”#ff0000″]I told them to piss off.[/kc_font_pac_2_font_15]

 

[kc_font_pac_2_font_15 size=”48″ color=”#999966″]Anybody who fits into my clothes[/kc_font_pac_2_font_15]

[kc_font_pac_2_font_15 size=”48″ color=”#ff0000″] isn’t starving.[/kc_font_pac_2_font_15]

 

THIS IS  NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS but could save your life!!!

This applies to all persons who are 50 and older.

The  older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to  maintain cardiovascular health and maintain  muscle mass.

If you’re  over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then  do more repetitions as you become more proficient and  build stamina.

Warning: It may be too strenuous  for some. 

Always  consult your doctor before starting any exercise  program!

OK. Time to begin.

Scroll  Down.

 

 

Slowly Slowly……

 

 

 

NOW  SCROLL UP.. 

 

 

 

 

That’s  enough for the first day. Great job. 

 

Now go ahead and have a Beer or a glass of wine if feeling weak.

A chicken farmer went to a local bar…. Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’

‘What a coincidence’ the farmer says, ‘This is a special day for me…. I am celebrating’

‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!’ says the woman.

‘What a coincidence!’ says the farmer!

As they clinked glasses the man asked, ‘What are you celebrating?’

‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’

‘What a coincidence,’ says the man.

‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’

‘That’s great!’ says the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different rooster,’ he replied.

The woman smiled and said, ‘What a coincidence.’

An Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. The last one is a classic!

1.	Don’t change horses	until they stop running.
2.	Strike while the	bug is close.
3.	It’s always darkest before	Daylight Saving Time.
4.	Never underestimate the power of	termites.
5.	You can lead a horse to water but	how?
6.	Don’t bite the hand that	looks dirty.
7.	No news is	impossible.
8.	A miss is as good as a	Mr.
9.	You can’t teach an old dog new	math.
10.	If you lie down with dogs, you’ll	stink in the morning.
11.	Love all, trust	me.
12.	The pen is mightier than the	pigs.
13.	An idle mind is	the best way to relax.
14.	Where there’s smoke there’s	pollution.
15.	Happy the bride who	gets all the presents.
16.	A penny saved is	not much.
17.	Two’s company, three’s	the Musketeers.
18.	Don’t put off till tomorrow what	you put on to go to bed.
19.	Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and	you have to blow your nose.
20.	There are none so blind as	Stevie Wonder.
21.	Children should be seen and not	spanked or grounded.
22.	If at first you don’t succeed	get new batteries.
23.	You get out of something only what you	see in the picture on the box.
24.	When the blind lead the blind	get out of the way.
25.	A bird in the hand	is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.	Better late than	pregnant.

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates… As he enters, he asks St. Peter, ‘I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

St. Peter said, ‘That’s a question only God can answer.’

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, ‘God, please – I must know, am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

God simply replied ‘You are what you are.’

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, ‘Well, did God straighten out your query for you?’

The zebra looked puzzled.. ‘No sir, God simply said ‘You are what you are.”

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, ‘Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..’

The zebra asked St. Peter, ‘How do you know that for certain?’

‘Because,’ said St. Peter, ‘If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, ‘You is what you is..’

WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin after yo ass!!!