Author: csiadmin

off the coast of Kerry in 1998

Transcript of actual radio conversation between the British and Irish, off the coast of Kerry in 1998.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10.10.98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the captain of a British navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.

BRITISH: This is the aircraft carrier HMS Britannia, the second largest ship in the British Atlantic fleet!

We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels.

I demand that you change your course 15 degrees to the north.

I say again, that is 15 degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the

safety of this ship.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse…….Your call.

March 5, 2014
Diapers; Just In Case You Been Wondering About This

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers
have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while
undergarments for old peopl are called “Depends”.

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em,
Hug’em and Pamper em.

When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the
will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

March 5, 2014
Long time marriage

The effect of those FOUR little words … “I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART”

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked,”How many of you love your husband?”All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him ? Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’ t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeh, and I love you too. What’s up with you??

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don’t understand what you mean?

6. What the f*ck did you do now?

7. ?!?

8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she??

March 5, 2014
Sex And Good Grammar

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, ” 1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, folks, is why you should never end your sentences with a preposition, because you will end up with a dangling participle.

March 5, 2014
Australia day joke

An American decided to write a book about
famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to
Orlando, thinking that he would start by working
his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking
photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone
mounted on the wall with a sign that read
‘$10,000 per call’.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest
who was strolling by, what the telephone was
used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to
God.

The American thanked the priest and went along
his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large
cathedral, he saw the same looking golden
telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of
telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a
nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven
and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.

He then travelled all across America, Europe,
England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he
saw the same looking golden telephone, with the
same ‘$US10,000 per call’ sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see
if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at Newcastle in Australia and again,
in the first church he entered, there was the same
looking golden telephone, but this time the sign
under it read, ’40 cents per call.’

The American was surprised, so he asked the
priest about the sign. ‘Father, I’ve travelled all
over the world and I’ve seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a
direct line to Heaven, but in all of them, the price was
$10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in
Australia now, son – “This is Heaven,” so it’s a
local call’.

KEEP SMILING
If you are proud to be an Aussie pass this on!

March 5, 2014
ANIMAL CRACKER-UPPERS

March 5, 2014
How to start a fight

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy mymother-in-law a cemetery plot as aChristmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionairewhile we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said,’Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify myage.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’
And then the fight started…
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
That’s how the fight started.

March 5, 2014
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To
Be A Millionaire

Regis:
“Barbara, you’ve done very well so
far – $500,000 and one lifeline
left — phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top
prize of One Million dollars if you get
it right … but if you get it wrong you will
drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?”

Barbara:
“Sure, I’ll have a go!”

Regis:
“Which of the following birds does not
build it’s own nest?

Is it……..

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.”

“I think I know who it..but I’m not 100%…
No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a
friend Regis, just to be sure.”

Regis:
“Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?”

Barbara:
“I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home
in Birmingham.”

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde):
“Hello…”

Regis:
“Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants
to be a Millionaire – I have Barbara here and
she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs
your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s
and she’ll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct
answer and you have 30 seconds to answer
— fire away Barbara.”

Barbara:
“Maggie, which of the following birds does
not build it’s own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush”

Maggie:
“Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…..
It’s a Cuckoo.”

Barbara: “You think?”

Maggie:
“I’m sure.”

Barbara:
“Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)

Regis:
“Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or
play on for the Million, Barbara?”

Barbara:
“I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo”

Regis:
“Is that your final answer?”

Barbara:
“It is.”

Regis:
“Are you confident?”

Barbara:
“Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”

Regis:
“Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said
C-Cuckoo …you’re right! – You have just
won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great
contestant and a real gambler.
Audience please put your hands together
for Barbara.”

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and
brings her down to a local bar for a celebration
drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne,
Barbara turns to Maggie and asks

“Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know
that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its
own nest?

Maggie:

“Listen Barbara, everybody knows
that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

March 5, 2014
The origin of the word Olympics

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ..

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: “OH!! Limp pricks!”

Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into ” Olympics”.

Just thought I’d share this new found knowledge with you.

You’re very welcome..

March 5, 2014
Head hunter’s fast food.

Love this one….

March 5, 2014