Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • Are you at peace with God?

    A 95-year-old man  goes for a physical.
    All of his tests come back with normal results.

    The doctor says,  “George, everything looks great. How are you doing
    mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?”

    George replies, “God and  I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
    He’s fixed it so when I get  up in the middle of the night to go to the
    bathroom, poof! The light goes  on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes
    off.”

    “Wow, that’s  incredible,” the doctor says.

    A little later in  the day, the doctor calls George’s wife. “Ethel,” he
    says, “George is doing  fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of
    his relationship with God.  Is it true that he gets up during the night,
    and poof, the light goes on in  the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the
    light goes off?”

    “Oh sweet Jesus”,  exclaims Ethel. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!

     

    WAN

  • You know its hot when……….

    For sure..
    You know its hot when…
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  • Truth or not ?

    Philosopher’s Comments….
    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

    David


    After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

    Sacha Guitry


    By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy.
    If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
    Socrates

    Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

    Anonymous


    The great question. which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”

    Dumas


    I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

    Sigmund Freud

    ‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’

     
    Red Skelton

    ‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’

    Sam Kinison

    ‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives.
    The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’

    James Holt McGavra


    Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
    1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
    2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.

    Patrick Murra


    The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once….

    Nash

    You know what I did before I married?
    Anything I wanted to.

    Anonymous

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
    Then we met.
    This is my favorite!!!

    Henny Youngman

    A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

    Rodney Dangerfield

    A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters.
    They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

    Anonymous
    First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’
    Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
    Anonymous
    SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH. AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OFHUMOUR

    WAN

  • Damn Fairy

    A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet romantic little restaurant.

     

    Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fair appeared on their table.

     

    She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

     

    The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’

     

    The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! –  two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

     

    The husband thought for a moment:

    ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than  me.’

     

    The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!

     

    So the fairy waved her magic wand  and poof!…

     

    The husband became 92 years old.

     

    The moral of this story:

    Men who are ungrateful bastards  should remember fairies are female……

     

    SEND THIS

    TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS

    A GOOD LAUGH .

    AND TO ANY

    MAN WHO CAN

    HANDLE IT!

    WAN

     

  • Proof reading

    A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
    20130716_Proof reading_001

    He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

    20130716_Proof reading_002

    The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

    20130716_Proof reading_003

    He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.

    Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

    20130716_Proof reading_004

    So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
    We missed the R !
    We missed the R !
    We missed the R !”

    His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
     
    With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…
     
    20130716_Proof reading_005

    “CELEBRATE !!!

  • WOMEN DRIVERS!!

    Distracted Driving Incident 
    This morning on the Interstate,

    I looked over to my left and there was a
    Woman 

    In a brand new
    Cadillac

    Doing 65 mph

    With her
    Face up next to her

    Rear view mirror 

    Putting on her eyeliner. 

    I looked away

    For a couple seconds…


    to continue shaving

    And when I looked back she was 

    Halfway over in my lane, 

    Still working on that makeup. 

    As a man, 

    I don’t scare easily.

    But she scared me so much;

    I had to put on my seat belt
    and
    I dropped

    My electric shaver 

    Which knocked

    The donut 
    Out of my other hand.

    In all The confusion of trying
    To straighten out the car 

    Using my knees against 
    The steering wheel, 

    It knocked 

    My Cell Phone 

    Away from my ear 

    Which fell 

    Into the coffee

    Between my legs! 

    Splashed, 

    And burned 

    Big Jim and the Twins, 

    Ruined the damn phone,

    Soaked my trousers, 

    And disconnected an
    Important call.
     

    Damn women drivers

     

    WAN

  • THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

    The Indian With One Testicle
    There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
    and whose given name was ‘Onestone’.
    He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
    After years and years of torment,
    Onestone finally cracked and said,’
    If anyone calls me Onestoneagain I will kill them!’
    The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
    ‘Good morning, Onestone.’
    He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
    He made love to her all the next day,
    until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
    a woman named Yellow Birdreturned to the village after being away.
    Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird’s cousin,
    was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
    She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’
    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
    then he made love to her all day,
    made love to her all night,
    made love to her all the next day,
    made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Birdwouldn’t die!
    Why ???
    OH, come on… take a guess !!!
    Think about it !!!
    You’re going to love this !!!
    Everyone knows…
    You can’t kill Two Birds
    withOneStone!!!
    OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    20130711_THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
  • Bare Facts

    Frank was Excited about his new rifle and decided to try Bear hunting.
    He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small Brown bear and shot it.
    Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to
    see a big Black Bear.

    The black bear said,’That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin.
    I’m going to give you two choices. Either I Maul you to death or we
    have Sex.’  After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the
    latter alternative.

    So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for
    two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on
    another trip to Alaska where he found the Black Bear and shot it dead.

    Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge
    Grizzly Bear stood right next to him.
    The grizzly said, ‘That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin
    and you’ve got two choices: Either I Maul you to death or we have
    ‘rough Sex.’

    Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear
    than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
    Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
    recovered.

    Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and
    managed to track down the Grizzly Bear and shot it. He felt sweet
    revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He
    turned around to find a Giant Polar bear standing there.

    The polar bear looked him in the eye and said,
    ‘Admit it, Frank, you don’t realy come here for the hunting, do you?

    WAN

  • The hardest part of being a Guide Dog!!!!!

    The hardest part of being a guide dog!

    20130710_The hardest part of being a Guide Dog

  • History of Maxine….The cartoon character

    I never knew who the creator of Maxine was! After the Maxine jokes there is a summary on how she was created and  a photo of her creator. More from the gal everyone loves and admires, and you finally get to meet her creator.

    AFTER THAT THERE ARE NEW ONES NEVER SEEN BEFORE…
    DON’T  MISS THE VERY LAST ONE “TOWEL HEADS”..I loved it! ( YES!!!!!!!)

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    John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired  by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother,  the woman who bought him art lessons when ‘fill in  the pumpkins’ was about the extent of his art classes at St. John’s Catholic School  inLeonia, N.J.

    John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and  his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He  eventually attended the Vesper George School of Art in Boston and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group.But it was the birth of  the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little  division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John’s professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine.

    Why the name ‘Maxine’?  ‘People at Shoebox started referring to the  character as ‘John Wagner’s old lady,’ and I knew  that would get me into trouble with my wife,’ John  says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the  approximately 30 entries suggested ‘Maxine’. John says the name is perfect.

    John, who says he’s humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he’s  proud of her.

    Now you know the story of how Maxine came to be.

    SOME NEW MAXINES  !
    I haven’t seen these before. Good ones.

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