Wan's World

Day: November 19, 2012

  • Not politically correct… but some funny ones

    WAN

    I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently ” A meal for two with
    a hairy view” is not the way to call No 69

    I’ve just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . It makes the wife look
    like she’s moving during sex.

    Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them, they said it would
    be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped
    off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

    A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The “BNP school of
    diving” said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

    Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered
    sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $12.50/min (charges
    may vary).

    Just booked a table for Valentines Day for me and the wife.  Bound to end in
    tears though; she’s crap at snooker.

    Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my
    feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

    If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of
    ham then delete it. It’s Spam.

    They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I’m wrong but
    I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this
    beer belly.

    I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in
    Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers
    the little bastards deserved it!

  • I Never Thought Of That!

    Use a (clean) dustpan to fill a container that doesn’t fit in the sink

     

    Place a rubber band around an open paint can to wipe your brush on, and keep paint off the side of the can 

    Use a staple remover to save your fingernails when trying to add things to your key ring! 

    Put wooden spoon across boiling pot of water to keep from boiling over.

    Use bread clips to save flip-flops with split holes.

    How to put shoes in the dryer

    Use sunglasses or a small convex mirror to avoid people sneaking up on you while wearing headphones at work

    Use a Comb to Keep a Nail Steady for Hammering

    “Educate and inform the whole mass of the people…  They are the only sure reliance for the preservation of our liberty.” 
    ~ Thomas Jefferson

  • Be Strong!

    Be strong, I love you!

    WANA man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

    He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.. Inside, he finds a
    Young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
    Chair.

    While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
    Her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, ‘Listen,
    This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a
    Lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he
    Kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain… Do
    Whatever he tells you.. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
    This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us
    Both. Be strong, honey. I love you!’

    His wife responds,
    ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my 
    ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had
    any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, I love you
    too.’

  • Coffee and Testicles

    WAN

    A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

    The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

    He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

    “Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

    “Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

    The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points

    Toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

    The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost

    Both my testicles.”

    The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got

    Enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00

    Am to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am , and plan on starting at

    10:00 am every day.”

    The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from

    8:00 am to 4:00 PM , why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am ?”

    “This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the

    First two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

    No point in you coming in for that.”