Month: November 2012

  • 5 Rules for Men to Follow for A Happy Life

    CHEEEEERS……..

     

    Life Has No Short Cuts

    THIS MAY BE A REPEAT BUT DON’T YOU THINK ITS A TIMELY REMINDER TO YOU ??!!

    Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his
    headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not know
    ing that he would win the “Coolest Headstone” contest.

    FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

    1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

    2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

    3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.

    4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

    5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

     

  • Sheds of Grey

    WAN

    The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.
    Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts…

    Fifty Sheds Of Grey

    We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a
    wall…
    but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

    She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
    “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
    So I took her to McDonalds.

    She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
    harder until finally it came.
    I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

    Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
    She still manages to get into the shed, though.

    “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
    “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
    “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

    “I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be
    punished.”
    So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

    “Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
    “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

    I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
    Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

    “Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
    “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the
    receipt.

    “Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
    “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

    “Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
    She nodded.
    “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.

    “Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
    “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

    “Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said, gently
    massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

  • What Goes Around Comes Around

    A man walked in to a Barber Shop for his regular haircut.  As he snips away, the barber asks “What’s up?”

     

    WANThe man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome.

    “ROME?!” says the barber, “Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of mafiosos! You’d be crazy to go to Rome!… So how ya getting there?”

     “We’re taking TWA” the man replies.  “TWA?!” yells the barber. “They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late!…So where you staying in Rome?”  The man says “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriot.”

     

     “That DUMP?!” says the barber. “That’s the worst hotel in the city! The rooms aresmall, the service is surly and slow and they’re overpriced!… So whatcha doing when you get there?”  The man says “We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to

    see the Pope.”

     

    “HA! That’s rich!” laughs the barber. “You and a million other people

    trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck

    on THIS trip. You’re going to need it!”

     

     A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. 

     The barber says, “Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Bet TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!”

     “No, quite the opposite” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendent who waited on me hand and foot!”

     

    “Hmmm,” says the barber , “Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described.”

    “No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling. Its the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!”

     

    “Well,” the barber mumbles, “I KNOW you didn’t get to see the Pope!”

    “Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally

    greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

     

    Impressed, the barber pleads, “Tell me, please! What’d he say?”

     

    “He just said:Where’d you get that awful haircut?‘”

  • Not politically correct… but some funny ones

    WAN

    I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently ” A meal for two with
    a hairy view” is not the way to call No 69

    I’ve just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . It makes the wife look
    like she’s moving during sex.

    Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them, they said it would
    be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped
    off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

    A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The “BNP school of
    diving” said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

    Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered
    sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $12.50/min (charges
    may vary).

    Just booked a table for Valentines Day for me and the wife.  Bound to end in
    tears though; she’s crap at snooker.

    Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my
    feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

    If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of
    ham then delete it. It’s Spam.

    They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I’m wrong but
    I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this
    beer belly.

    I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in
    Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers
    the little bastards deserved it!

  • I Never Thought Of That!

    Use a (clean) dustpan to fill a container that doesn’t fit in the sink

     

    Place a rubber band around an open paint can to wipe your brush on, and keep paint off the side of the can 

    Use a staple remover to save your fingernails when trying to add things to your key ring! 

    Put wooden spoon across boiling pot of water to keep from boiling over.

    Use bread clips to save flip-flops with split holes.

    How to put shoes in the dryer

    Use sunglasses or a small convex mirror to avoid people sneaking up on you while wearing headphones at work

    Use a Comb to Keep a Nail Steady for Hammering

    “Educate and inform the whole mass of the people…  They are the only sure reliance for the preservation of our liberty.” 
    ~ Thomas Jefferson
  • Be Strong!

    Be strong, I love you!

    WANA man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

    He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.. Inside, he finds a
    Young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
    Chair.

    While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
    Her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, ‘Listen,
    This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a
    Lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he
    Kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain… Do
    Whatever he tells you.. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
    This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us
    Both. Be strong, honey. I love you!’

    His wife responds,
    ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my 
    ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had
    any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, I love you
    too.’
  • Coffee and Testicles

    WAN

    A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

    The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

    He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

    “Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

    “Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

    The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points

    Toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

    The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost

    Both my testicles.”

    The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got

    Enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00

    Am to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am , and plan on starting at

    10:00 am every day.”

    The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from

    8:00 am to 4:00 PM , why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am ?”

    “This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the

    First two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

    No point in you coming in for that.”

  • Car Keys – Hillarious!!

    Car keys

    WANSeveral days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.

    They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

    Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

    My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

    As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

    I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

    Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered; I always call him “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

    There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He barked, “I dropped you off!”

    Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

    He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”

    Yep, it’s the golden years.

  • Bath Night

     Bath Night

     

    WANA couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire …

    “Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said.

    The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday …

    After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said:
    “Next Monday, don’t go to darts. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”

    So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

    “Do you shave?”

    “No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?”

    “Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

    When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:

    “Did you see it?”

    “Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”

    “Why not?” she said. “You’ve seen it before.”

    “I know,” he said, “but the  darts team hadn’t!!”

  • Very useful information critical

    A black eye or ‘shiner’ is commonly due to

    an injury to the face rather than an eye injury.

    The name is given due to the color of bruising.

    The so-called black eye is caused by bleeding beneath the skin

    around the eye.

    For years, the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to cover it with a piece of raw meat.

    Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, applying cold meat actually delays the recovery of the broken blood vessels that cause the bruising around the orbital socket,

    while frozen meat may cause superficial thermal burns to the skin.

    These same studies demonstrated that application of warm and tender meat

    is much more effective in helping the eyes recover from the damage

    because the bruising isn’t compounded by thermal shock.

    Therefore, the next time you get a black eye, try this method:

     Administer treatment until pain and swelling are gone.
    Caution:   This method may cause swelling in other areas