Month: June 2013
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PERKS AND HOW TO CALL
PERKS OF BEING 60 AND OVER
· Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
· In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
· No one expects you to run into a burning building.
· People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
· There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
· Things you buy now won’t wear out.
· You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.
· You have a party and the neighbours don’t even realise it.
· You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
· You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
· You sing along with elevator music.
· Your eyes won’t get much worse.
· Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
· Your joints are a more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.
· Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
· Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE IF YOU’RE OLD
George Phillips age 82 of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ He said ‘No.’ Then they said:
‘All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.’ George said, ‘Okay’. He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
‘Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.’ and hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, ‘I thought you said that you shot them!’
George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’ (True Story)
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ZIP LOCK BAG – Good tip!
Might be good for boaters, cottagers and RVers:ZIP LOCK BAG – Good tip! We went with friends to a restaurant on Sunday for lunch and sat in the patio section beside the store. We happened to notice zip lock baggies pinned to a post and a wall. The bags were half filled with water, each contained 4 pennies, and they were zipped shut. Naturally we were curious!
The owner told us that these baggies kept the flies away! So naturally we were even more curious! We actually watched some flies come in the window, stand around on the window sill, and then fly out again. And there were no flies in the eating area! This morning I checked this out on Google.
Below are comments on this fly control idea. I’m now a believer!
Zip-lock water #1 Says: I tried the zip lock bag and pennies this weekend.. I have a horse trailer. The flies were bad while I was camping. I put the baggie with pennies above the door of the LQ. NOT ONE FLY came in the trailer. The horse trailer part had many. Not sure why it works but does!#2 Says: Fill a zip lock bag with water and 5 or 6 pennies and hang it in the problem area. In my case it was a particular window in my home. It had a slight passage way for insects. Ever since I have done that, it has kept flies and wasps away. Some say that wasps and flies mistake the bag for some other insect nest and are threatened.#3 Says: I swear by the plastic bag of water trick. I have them on porch and basement. We saw these in Northeast Mo. at an Amish grocery store & have used them since. They say it works because a fly sees a reflection & won’t come around.#4 Says: Regarding the science behind zip lock bags of water? My research found that the millions of molecules of water presents its own prism effect and given that flies have a lot of eyes, to them it’s like a zillion disco balls reflecting light, colors and movement in a dizzying manner. When you figure that flies are prey for many other bugs, animals, birds, etc., they simply won’t take the risk of being around that much
perceived action I moved to a rural area and thought these “hillbillies”just yanking my city boy chain but I tried it and it worked immediately! We went from hundreds of flies to seeing the occasional one, but he didn’t hang around long.I have done that for the past three years here in Minnesota and have everyone at the campgrounds doing it. Even in the outhouses. It really does work!!!!!PS. The water never needs to be changed as long as it doesn’t evaporate. My Mom leaves hers up all year and lets it freeze in the winter and when it melts in the spring it still works. I use more than four pennies, but I have always been a big spender. I usually put in 8 – 10. No more flies for me! -
Female medical
During a lady’s medical examination, the doctor says:- “Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
“No! No! Don’t remove your clothes… Just stick out your tongue!”
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Female medical
During a lady’s medical examination, the doctor says:- “Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
“No! No! Don’t remove your clothes… Just stick out your tongue!”
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SENIORS IN ARIZONA
SENIORS IN ARIZONA
Where it is sunny & wonderful!
We live longer & have young ideas!
Getting old in Arizona
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Tucson, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, ‘Do you still get horny?’
The other replies, ‘Oh sure I do.’
The first old lady asks, ‘What do you do about it?’
The second old lady replies, ‘I suck a lifesaver.’
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, ‘Who drives you to the beach?’
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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Phoenix reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..
The third old lady remarked, ‘I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.
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A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Sun Lakes, an Arizona Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, ‘Are you a stranger here?’
He replies, ‘I lived here years ago.’
‘So, where were you all these years?’
‘In prison,’ he says.
‘Why did they put you in prison?’
He looked at her, and very quietly said, ‘I killed my wife..’
‘Oh!’ said the woman. ‘So you’re single…?!’
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A man was telling his neighbor in Mesa , ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty.’
************************************************* A little old man shuffled slowly into the ‘Orange Dipper’, an ice cream parlor in Gilbert , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘hemorrhoids
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Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly!
Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably
Never regret anything that made you smile
The best things in life are free
Until the government finds out and taxes em’.
