Month: July 2013
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Are you at peace with God?
A 95-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes
off.”“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife. “Ethel,” he
says, “George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of
his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night,
and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the
light goes off?”“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Ethel. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!
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This is important read….
Security info..
NOW HEAR THIS…NOT ALL THIEVES ARE STUPID!!
1. A friend of a friend left their car in the long-term parking at
San Jose while away, and someone broke into the car. Using the
information on the car’s registration in the glove compartment, they drove the car to the people’s home in Pebble Beach and robbed it. So I guess if we are going to leave the car in long-term parking, we should not leave the registration/insurance cards in it, nor your remote garage door opener. This gives us something to think about with all our new electronic technology.2. GPS. A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that someone she knew had their car broken into while they were at a football game. Their car was parked on the green which was adjacent to the football stadium and specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the car included a garage door remote control, some money and a GPS which had been prominently mounted on the dashboard. When the victims got home, they found that their house had been ransacked and just about everything worth anything had been stolen. The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house. They then used the garage remote control to open the garage door and gain entry to the house. The thieves knew the owners were at the football game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so they knew how much time they had to clean out the house. It would appear that they had brought a truck to empty the house of its contents.
Something to consider if you have a GPS – don’t put your home address in it… Put a nearby address (like a store or gas station) so you can still find your way home if you need to, but no one else would know where you live if your GPS were stolen.
3. MOBILE PHONES
I never thought of this…….
This lady has now changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet, etc., was stolen. Twenty minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says ‘I received your text asking about our Pin number and I’ve replied a little while ago.’ When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text ‘hubby’ in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account.
Moral of the lesson:
a. Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby,
Sweetheart, Dad, Mom, etc….b. And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked
through texts, CONFIRM by calling back.c. Also, when you’re being texted by friends or family to meet
them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. If you don’t reach them, be very careful about going places to meet ‘family and friends’ who text you.*PLEASE PASS THIS ON
* I never thought about the above!
As of now, I no longer have ‘home’ listed on my cell phone.
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You know its hot when……….
For sure..You know its hot when…
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Truth or not ?
Philosopher’s Comments….When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.David
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy.If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.Anonymous
The great question. which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’
Red Skelton
‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’
Sam Kinison
‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once….
Nash
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.This is my favorite!!!
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
AnonymousFirst Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’AnonymousSEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH. AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OFHUMOUR -
Damn Fairy
A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fair appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’
The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment:
‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…
The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female……
SEND THIS
TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS
A GOOD LAUGH .
AND TO ANY
MAN WHO CAN
HANDLE IT!
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Proof reading
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !”His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…
“CELEBRATE !!!“ -
WOMEN DRIVERS!!
Distracted Driving IncidentThis morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was aWomanIn a brand new
Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her
Face up next to herRear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds…
to continue shavingAnd when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,I don’t scare easily.
But she scared me so much;I had to put on my seat beltand
I droppedMy electric shaver
Which knocked
The donut
Out of my other hand.In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Cell Phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs!
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Damn women drivers -
Elder Men Scam..
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.
This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it.A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe’s, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works;
Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It’s impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ but instead ask for a ride to McDonald’s.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weeken d.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 a t the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe’s, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send t his on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.) -
THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
The Indian With One TesticleThere once was an Indian who had only one testicleand whose given name was ‘Onestone’.He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.After years and years of torment,Onestone finally cracked and said,’If anyone calls me Onestoneagain I will kill them!’The word got around and nobody called him that any more.Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,‘Good morning, Onestone.’He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.He made love to her all the next day,until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name untila woman named Yellow Birdreturned to the village after being away.Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird’s cousin,was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,then he made love to her all day,made love to her all night,made love to her all the next day,made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Birdwouldn’t die!Why ???OH, come on… take a guess !!!Think about it !!!You’re going to love this !!!Everyone knows…You can’t kill Two BirdswithOneStone!!!OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!