Category: Wan’s Humour

A must read ~ this will bring a tear to your eye…

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, “Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right.”

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town.
I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle. “Awww, come on… You don’t
even know the way to the bloody Post Office”

The day it all started was March 6, 1836…

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo , and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.  These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards the Alamo .

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, “Jim, are we, by any chance, having landscaping done today?”

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” 

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MP’s ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough
Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”

The nun said, “I understand completely.”

The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” 

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls….I don’t want to go to Iraq either.”

“Devil and Golf”

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who 
is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to 
himself: “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.” 

A stranger walks up to him and whispers: “Would 
you give up a fourth of your sex life?” The golfer 
thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be 
meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good 
omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to 
make the difficult putt and says, “OK.” And sinks 
the putt. 

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: “Boy, if I 
could only get an eagle on this hole.” The same 
stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be 
worth another fourth of your sex life?” The golfer 
shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he makes an eagle. 

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another 
eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger 
moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing 
to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?” 

The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle. 
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger 
walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really 
not been fair with you because you don’t know who 
I am. I’m the devil, and from now on you will have 
no sex life.” 

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s 
Father O’Malley.”

The Wit of Phyllis Diller 

 

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.  As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

If it weren’t for hockey, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate  Pearl Harbour .
Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller