Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • The polite way to call someone a bastard

    A man was about to tee off on the first hole. A second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. 
     
     
      They were even for the first few holes.  The second man said, “Clearly, we’re about evenly matched, so how about playing for five bucks a hole?” The first man said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms. 
       The second golfer won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
     
      As they walked off after #18, the second man happily counted his $80 winnings.  Then he confessed that he was a pro at a neighboring course and that he liked to pick on suckers. The first golfer revealed that he was the parish priest. 
     
      The pro was flustered and apologetic; he offered to return the money. The priest said, “You won fair and square: I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”   The pro asked, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” 
     
     
    The priest replied, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”

    WAN

  • Precious

    A must read ~ this will bring a tear to your eye…

    20130809_Precious

     

    A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
    Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, “Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?”

    The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a
    Coupla blocks and turn to your right.”

    Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town.
    I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

    The little boy replied with a chuckle. “Awww, come on… You don’t
    even know the way to the bloody Post Office”

  • How profiling started

    The day it all started was March 6, 1836…

    On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo , and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

    William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.  These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards the Alamo .

    With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, “Jim, are we, by any chance, having landscaping done today?”

    WAN

  • The Soldier and the Nun

    A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

    The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” 

    The nun replied, “He went that way.”

    After the MP’s ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough
    Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”

    The nun said, “I understand completely.”

    The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” 

    The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls….I don’t want to go to Iraq either.”

    WAN

  • Devil and Golf

    “Devil and Golf”

    A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who 
    is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to 
    himself: “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.” 

    A stranger walks up to him and whispers: “Would 
    you give up a fourth of your sex life?” The golfer 
    thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be 
    meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good 
    omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to 
    make the difficult putt and says, “OK.” And sinks 
    the putt. 

    Two holes later he mumbles to himself: “Boy, if I 
    could only get an eagle on this hole.” The same 
    stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be 
    worth another fourth of your sex life?” The golfer 
    shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he makes an eagle. 

    Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another 
    eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger 
    moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing 
    to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?” 

    The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle. 
    As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger 
    walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really 
    not been fair with you because you don’t know who 
    I am. I’m the devil, and from now on you will have 
    no sex life.” 

    “Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s 
    Father O’Malley.”

    WAN

     

     

  • PHILS SCROTUM

    Phil’s scrotum
    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would  like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the  podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a  terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.. The pain was  excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear  a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that  poor Phil must have experienced. “Phil was unable to hold me or the children,”  she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors  performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece  together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold  it in place.” Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed  uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. “Now,”  she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital  and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All  the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if  anyone else had something to say.
    A man stood  up and walked slowly to the podium.
    He said,  “I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my  wife the word is sternum.”
    WAN
  • Good laugh

    20130807_good laugh_001 
    Three men were
    Hiking through a forest…

    20130807_good laugh_002

    When they came upon a large raging, violent river.

    20130807_good laugh_003


    Needing to get to the other side,

    the first man prayed:

    20130807_good laugh_004


    ‘God, please give me

    the strength to cross the river.’


    Poof!!!

    God gave him big arms and strong legs…

    20130807_good laugh_005


    And he was able to
    Swim across in about 2 hours,


    Having almost drowned twice!


    After witnessing that,

    the second man prayed:

    20130807_good laugh_006


    ‘God, please give me strength

    and the tools to cross the river’

    Poof!!!


    God gave him a kayak and

    strong arms and strong legs… 

    20130807_good laugh_007


    And he was able to row across

    the river in about an hour

    After almost capsizing once!


    Seeing what happened to the first two men,
    the third man prayed:

    20130807_good laugh_008


    ‘God, please give me the strength, the tools,

    and the intelligence to cross the river’

    Poof!!!


    HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!!


    She checked the map,

    hiked one hundred yards upstream…

    20130807_good laugh_009


    And walked across the bridge…
     


    Guys, if at first you don’t succeed,
    do it the way your wife told you!!!


    GO AHEAD
    ,
    SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH

  • Quit Golfing

    Quit Golfing
    Jim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
    One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
    His wife was standing there watching him.

    After a long period of silence she finally speaks.  “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit golfing.

    Maybe you should sell your golf clubs.”

    Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

    She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

    ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

    “Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”

    ”I wasn’t! “

    WAN

  • On a Lighter Note…. Phyllis Diller. … Enjoy love Chris

    The Wit of Phyllis Diller 
     
    Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.  As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
    Phyllis Diller

    Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
    Phyllis Diller

    Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
    Phyllis Diller

    A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
    Phyllis Diller

    The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
    Phyllis Diller

    Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
    Phyllis Diller

    A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
    Phyllis Diller

    I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
    Phyllis Diller

    Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
    Phyllis Diller

    Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
    Phyllis Diller

    Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
    Phyllis Diller

    We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
    Phyllis Diller

    Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
    Phyllis Diller

    If it weren’t for hockey, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
    Phyllis Diller

    You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
    Phyllis Diller

    I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
    Phyllis Diller

    What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
    Phyllis Diller

    The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
    Phyllis Diller

    I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
    Phyllis Diller

    His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
    Phyllis Diller

    Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
    Phyllis Diller

    My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
    Phyllis Diller

    There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
    Phyllis Diller

    I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
    Phyllis Diller

    My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate  Pearl Harbour .
    Phyllis Diller

    My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
    Phyllis Diller

    Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
    Phyllis Diller

    I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
    Phyllis Diller

    The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
    Phyllis Diller

    You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
    Phyllis Diller

    WAN